a not so great tele.pol.art session :(

tired of the trails my life leads me on...

in the sand of English Bay

shake and stir - oil and water
shedding the tears of boiling blood
forcing the ties twined in ropes
enclosed in chapped of illusions glass
misleadding thoughts and shimmer blurry vision
silhouettes of beasts from your lies released
growing in me this unfamiliar evil
triggered in purest of innate loves
dirt of memories in unhealed wound
over and over stabbed by of your being void
gory in mirror reflection of me emptied and stripped
for food of my heart you simply pulled
and left me to bleed
these tears
tears of blood

left to be captured...

I believe I have developed somewhat of an addiction for telephone poles :)



how unimportant is this moment of my sadness
compared to billion years of its existance

how sad is this torn piece of paper on which I place my healing words

yet how much it hurts this being of mine
that took billions of years of (un)godly creation

beauty of mistake

...how i feel these days: stripped, left aside, no longer tasting or colorfull

2:36 AM

flares the candle in the corner of my solitude
melting wax of once our bodies' love

shimmer away your deep brown eyes
break away; my heart molded within yours

soft skin your lower lip sticking to
heat against cold of your left inner thigh

embracing cold within lust coated sex
sillhouete dancing tango with soldier of lead

casual monogamy stiffening vapor of love
confused in heat of suceptable lust

pupils' sting; unexpected morning sun
regret belated; pupils soaked in unwanted tears

rushing strips on road stabbing heart within

run run run away

contrAddict

of sickened love
sickened of love

Remember Remember

I am learning my life again. Learning how to sleep in my own bed and wake up without shimmer of your barely open eyes. I am learning to breathe without your scent in my nostrils - to live without your touch, without your warmth. And the more I try to forgive and forget, the more I try to make myself be my old self, the more I sink deeper in. You left us in the void. You always left me questioning, touching in dark, always fighting for answers and hidden lies by myself. You never had the courage for honest words, for facing me...

Our relationship was perfect in the start. I was pure and unaware of what beasts you hid within. I kept loving and slowly grew devoted to you emotionally. There were ugly signs and events that made me question if I am totally blind, but I kept believing and furthermore, beating myself for doubting you. I will never forget that night when we cuddled on living room sofa, when I told you I am not sure I believe in long term monogamy. You attacked me, you dished my disbelief and told me you believe it and you want it - you want it with me. To spend the rest of your life with me and love noone but me - were your exact words. I felt terrible to have hurt your feelings and to have posed such a selfish statement to you, who seems to have loved me truly and deeply. And I will not deny - I was happy to see you react so vigorously - I took it as a sign of true love. That night I didn't sleep - I gazed at you while you lied next to me and listened t you sleep. I loved you - truly, and just like you said, I too wanted you in my life forever... I kissed you and you muttered something in sleep.

Somehow just before my trip back home, we went through series of fights. I could not come to terms with broken promises and gaps in your day that you could not explain. You gave me no understanding and despite of my honesty - I hit the walls you so rigidly built around yourself. It was 2 am and I was leaving in couple of hours. You sat in my lap in the garden, with your head resting on my shoulder. And you said - you love me, and yoou would never do a thing to hurt me. With gray feeling inside of me, with the tingle of doubt, I asked you if you were going to be loyal. I did not even force you or expect you to be, but you turned angry at me for asking. You rigidly said -you would never cheat on me for I am the only one in your life. You kissed me and went to sleep.

Two weeks later I read the email. Email from a friend who, by game of coincidences, got a date with you - address, phone, and time to come to share your hot tub with you. I felt angry and betrayed, but most of all - sad, broken within. With tears in my eyes and sadness in my heart, both of which I had to fight and hide, I talked to you on phone. But no - I was not to get the honest answer yet again. Yet again you denied and lied, until I cried my heart out and told you I knew. After hours of me begging you to at least speak the truth, you admitted. The rest of my trip is a blur. I walked around and did things "by schedule" with emptiness inside.