Thursday, July 20, 2006
I am learning my life again. Learning how to sleep in my own bed and wake up without shimmer of your barely open eyes. I am learning to breathe without your scent in my nostrils - to live without your touch, without your warmth. And the more I try to forgive and forget, the more I try to make myself be my old self, the more I sink deeper in. You left us in the void. You always left me questioning, touching in dark, always fighting for answers and hidden lies by myself. You never had the courage for honest words, for facing me...
Our relationship was perfect in the start. I was pure and unaware of what beasts you hid within. I kept loving and slowly grew devoted to you emotionally. There were ugly signs and events that made me question if I am totally blind, but I kept believing and furthermore, beating myself for doubting you. I will never forget that night when we cuddled on living room sofa, when I told you I am not sure I believe in long term monogamy. You attacked me, you dished my disbelief and told me you believe it and you want it - you want it with me. To spend the rest of your life with me and love noone but me - were your exact words. I felt terrible to have hurt your feelings and to have posed such a selfish statement to you, who seems to have loved me truly and deeply. And I will not deny - I was happy to see you react so vigorously - I took it as a sign of true love. That night I didn't sleep - I gazed at you while you lied next to me and listened t you sleep. I loved you - truly, and just like you said, I too wanted you in my life forever... I kissed you and you muttered something in sleep.
Somehow just before my trip back home, we went through series of fights. I could not come to terms with broken promises and gaps in your day that you could not explain. You gave me no understanding and despite of my honesty - I hit the walls you so rigidly built around yourself. It was 2 am and I was leaving in couple of hours. You sat in my lap in the garden, with your head resting on my shoulder. And you said - you love me, and yoou would never do a thing to hurt me. With gray feeling inside of me, with the tingle of doubt, I asked you if you were going to be loyal. I did not even force you or expect you to be, but you turned angry at me for asking. You rigidly said -you would never cheat on me for I am the only one in your life. You kissed me and went to sleep.
Two weeks later I read the email. Email from a friend who, by game of coincidences, got a date with you - address, phone, and time to come to share your hot tub with you. I felt angry and betrayed, but most of all - sad, broken within. With tears in my eyes and sadness in my heart, both of which I had to fight and hide, I talked to you on phone. But no - I was not to get the honest answer yet again. Yet again you denied and lied, until I cried my heart out and told you I knew. After hours of me begging you to at least speak the truth, you admitted. The rest of my trip is a blur. I walked around and did things "by schedule" with emptiness inside.